Friday, January 1, 2010

A Study in Contrasts

What with everything, I have been inclined to dwell more on the differences this last year has wrought, before I go making resolutions for the new one. So here are the ways I've grown from last January to this January, categorized for your convenience.

Pass on the Vermouth Bianco.
Last Jan 1, I was a nondrinker per being underage. This January 1, I am a nondrinker by choice. A decision made in consideration of my personality and genes. Nothing wrong with alcohol. Just not for me right now.

O when I was young and foolish.
A year ago, I was coming off an autumn of being brittle and hard. I had laughed too loudly. I had used another person solely for my own emotional needs, to keep myself from hurting. I was proud and unkind, and I still blush over my behavior and heart during that time.
That whole autumn can be summed up this way: I thought that by being careless, I could avoid feeling all the pain of what had happened. And it works, for a while. But let me tell you this: it's much better to grieve. To feel the loneliness. To ache over the losses.
Last January, I had just broken and begun that process. And let me tell you - it's so much lighter on this side.

Come back to Normal.
I've told you what the last part of 2008 was like. The first part was horrible depression and darkness. Needless to say, I hadn't felt normal for quite a while last January. But little did I know, the coming spring would hold incredible gifts. I still remember my first taste of Normal in the sunshine of a warm February afternoon. And the wonderful friends and adventures of folklore, the dear friendships that developed with both the Deborahs and Jessica and other wonderful RUF-ers, the sweetness of simple happiness again. Because of all that, I enter this year a little more healed, a little more at peace.

Wear and Tear; or, Let's Get Physical
I have two tiny scars on my tummy that I didn't have last year. And suffered no ill effects. Thank you Lord for smooth surgeries. There was a tough time when I was "et up" with fear. But I got my first IV and really liked anesthesia and when I think about how scared I was all I can say is: thank you Lord that nothing was wrong.
As for everything else health-wise: weight's the same, height's not changing, and I have taken up Pilates. Which is wonderful.

Three Words
2008: pain, dark, love
2009: light, struggle, laugh

Direction
Last year, a professor had just approached me with the possibility of doing research. So we applied, and received the grant, and through that and the following TA opportunity, God made me to understand that I really love to teach and think researching and writing papers is fun. So this year I'm waiting to hear from grad schools. Next year? It's either the halls of academia or the one-room insurance agency in Kansas. Guess which one I'm hoping for.

Awareness
A year ago, I lived in the grip of fear. And today, I still live mostly in the grip of fear. But now I understand that it is fear, and fear leads only to a tiny, twisted version of the truth. Never freedom. Never peace. A year ago, I thought that if I could think through things and figure out what my problem was, I could fix it. Now, I more often just pray. For courage, courage to walk through the fear. Or for faith and peace. Or I just sit and breathe, "Help."

So that's where I am right now. No resolutions yet; no impossible goals that lead to defeat, just trying to stay balanced.

And oh, all you folks that read this blog - thank you for spending time on these ramblings. I do love all you sweet people - have a full, rich and glad new year. And that's an order, children.

1 comment:

Kait said...

There's so much hope in this post. <3