Friday, January 21, 2011

Good Day Sunshine

Should I be writing a blog post now? Yes. Of course I should. It doesn't matter that it's a Friday morning and I could be working on other things. But one of my resolutions for the new year was to blog at least once a week. And you can look at the sidebar and see how faithful I've been. This will change.

What do you say after days that have been less than blissful? I'd like this post to be strong, triumphant. I'd like to say I'm so much farther along, that I left despair and its cousins in 2010, for good. I'd like to be an overcomer.

And. I'm not.

I've been discouraged this week to be dealing with thoughts and feelings and crap I thought I'd somehow gotten past. Instead I am staring my own unbelief in the face, and it hurts. I say along with Kathleen Norris that "faith is a sad business." Right now, what I am seeing and feeling is that living by faith sort of sucks. What I mean is, it is contrary to what I, as a human, want. None of us want faith in something we can't control. And that is where God says life is found. And I'm not really sure why I keep trying to go to Him except for Jesus, where else would I go.

*****
This week, though, is sandwiched between two wonderful weekends. One past, one future. This past weekend, sweet boyfriend drove 7 hours to spend 3 glorious days with me in the wilds of Mississippi. We didn't do anything but regular life. Schoolwork, reading, cooking, walking, movie watching. Pretending that we were a normal couple who get to share every day life face to face instead of over the phone. It was bliss.

And this weekend, I go home to Alabama. To my parents. To the bare limb trees and wide brown fields around my house. To be with my dad and hear my mom's stories and tell her mine. You know, it is a huge blessing to like your parents. Thanks, guys.

I'm gonna learn to love
without fear

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